How has the “date rape drug” myth gained so much traction in the public consciousness? The study floats a theory: The worry over “date rape drugs” helps “give shape to otherwise nebulous threats,” in turn”allowing us to displace worry about other, less manageable threats.” We drum up concern over the risk of “date rape drugs”—then devise strategies for managing that risk—because it’s easier than actually doing the business of preventing rape. It’s easier to keep your thumb over your bottle than it is to stop your boyfriend from raping you. It’s easier to take your drink to the bathroom than to understand why a person you trust would assault you. It’s easier to tell grown women what to do than to teach our children not to grow up to be rapists. And it is a whole lot easier to avoid a crime that rarely happens than to prevent the type of sexual assaults that occur every single day.
She’s Your Biggest Fan
23-Sep-11
Rejecting people, whether you’re doing it blatantly (“Go away and leave me alone”) or indirectly (“Oh, I’m actually really busy this weekend, maybe another time”) is actually an awkward and uncomfortable situation that nobody enjoys. Very, very few people in this world ENJOY being an asshole or hurting someone else’s feelings.
Now imagine having to do this on an almost daily basis. There’s nothing gratifying about it, in fact it becomes frustrating and tedious. It also explains why women seem to complain about guys hitting on them or about guys being creepy — they have to reject them and rejecting someone is generally an unpleasant or uncomfortable experience.
Guys who have the perception of women as these ego-centric creatures who laugh at us from their sexual mountain-tops, doling out which man gets (a chance at) the divine pussy-access and which man gets to squander away his time in solitude — it doesn’t work like that.
Think about it. Why do women spend so much time and effort on their appearance? Why do they go to singles’ bars and join dating sites and give blind dates a try? They don’t do it so that they can revel in rejecting a bunch of guys. They’re just as lonely and frustrated as we are. They want to meet a guy. But not just a guy, a great guy. A guy who is confident, charming, fun and interesting.
She wants YOU to be that guy. She’s secretly rooting for you. She doesn’t want to reject you. Every time a new guy walks up to her, she’s secretly saying to herself, “Please, please, please be the guy. Be the attractive guy that I can’t say no to.” And then he nervously stutters around buying her a drink and makes uncomfortable jokes about the weather and she’s back to that horribly uncomfortable position of having to reject him again.
I support this billboard and SWAAY.org.
The Benefits of Non-Monogamy
23-May-11
1. Non-monogamy forces each partner to continue to work proactively on the relationship. Truthfully, even in monogamous situations, each partner should continue to work proactively on the relationship, but how many of us actually do? When we can put the official stamp on a relationship and say “This person is my girlfriend/boyfriend,” there is a sense of safety and security that, while often pleasant, also allows us to slack off and take our partner for granted. We gain weight, get slovenly, treat our partner dismissively, or otherwise fail to continue to seduce, because we know that our partner is being fenced in by an agreement that if he cheats on us he will be ubiquitously deemed an asshole by our entire social circle. This isn’t exactly the greatest motivation to stay with someone. Too often, this kind of pattern results in cheating anyway, or in the breakup of the relationship, or one leading to the other. Look at the divorce rate. When you box someone into a relationship, that relationship is still only as good as what’s inside (or outside) the box. In a non-monogamous situation, however, we are aware that we must constantly strive to earn our partner’s commitment, and it makes us better at being in the relationship. We wake up every day knowing that we owe it to our partner to be their best option, just as much today as the day we first won them, and we have the confidence to know that our partner is spending his time with us because he chooses to, not because his word obligates him to it.
I’ve always thought of myself as monogamous. But upon reading this, I realized that this is how I’ve approached all my relationships. I want whomever I’m with to be with me, not out of any sense of obligation, but because they think that I’m awesome and they don’t want anyone else. And if they do want someone else more than me, they should go for them instead, provided that they let me know, _in advance_, so that I can take into account the additional risk.
Penis vs. Brain
15-May-11
If there’s one thing that we see rarely — if at all — in porn, it’s laughter. What strikes me about most pornography is that it’s always so deadly serious. A nervous giggle is permissible in a few instances (such as those ghastly “casting couch” videos that are evidently ubiquitous, in which “innocent newcomers” are interviewed and then fucked for the first time on camera.) But laughter during sex, a shared joyful recognition that getting naked and sweaty and contorted is frequently hilarious? Nope. For too many, porn reinforces the obligation to perform, which creates anxiety, which creates in turn a deathly humorlessness.
This is something I’ve noticed too. Like most guys, I enjoy porn. But I’m often struck by how rare it is to see humor and laughter in porn. My sex life is a fair bit of giggling, laughter, FUN! I wish more pornographers would show that side of sex more often.
Elektra video I Don’t Do Boys
15-Apr-11
n an analysis of relationship surveys, UI sociologist Anthony Paik found that average relationship quality was higher for individuals who waited until things were serious to have sex compared to those who became sexually involved in “hookups,” “friends with benefits,” or casual dating relationships.
But having sex early on wasn’t to blame for the disparity. When Paik factored out people who weren’t interested in getting serious, he found no real difference in relationship quality. That is, couples who became sexually involved as friends or acquaintances and were open to a serious relationship ended up just as happy as those who dated and waited.
Why Feminism Is the Anti-Viagra
11-Apr-11
Our mammalian brains come wired with very ancient sexual preferences, quite prominent in the most popular forms of male and female erotica preferred by Homo sapiens. Men are aroused by being dominant and by submissive women, women are aroused by being submissive and by dominant men. In the bedroom, inequality beats equality.
If you suspect this is some kind of stealth agenda for justifying belligerent or misogynistic male behavior, read on, for there is a fascinating neural caveat. One of the most startling findings from our desire research is this: men and women’s brains each come wired with the neural circuitry for both sexual dominance and sexual submission. When Nature builds our brains, it installs both the “male” and “female” subcortical circuits, but apparently only links one of these circuits to the arousal system. Scientists can trigger lordosis in male rats by activating their dormant submission circuitry, and can trigger masculine mounting in female rats by activating their dormant dominance circuitry.
Peak Break-Up Times On Facebook
03-Apr-11
Via Jon Osborne.