Patri recently posted a series of trollish posts, in which he expressed his desire to see people he liked have babies.
I too share Patri’s desire to see more friends reproduce. It makes me sad that the particular combination of genes and nurture that make up some of my favorite people will disappear when they die. I like and admire my friends, and I’d like to see more people like them in the world. Many traits have a strong genetic influence, so if they reproduce, there’s a high likelihood that the traits I like will be passed onto their children. And I think most of my friends would be good parents, and will provide their kids with a rich, supportive environment. So regardless of whether good genes or a good environment has the biggest influence on child development, their kids would enjoy both.
And I think that having kids will make most of them happier than they would’ve been otherwise. In 1976, Newsday asked a random sample of people, “If you had to do it over again, would you or would you not have children?” According to the survey, 5% of men and 9% of women (13% of those 65+) who did have kids regretted it. A 2003 Gallup poll found that two-thirds of those over 40 who didn’t have kids regretted it.
So I think having kids will not only make me happier, I think that most of them will be happier too.
On the other hand, unlike Patri, I don’t find it very difficult to imagine reasons for not parenting other than: a) self-loathing, b) hedonistic irresponsibility.
Kids are costly in terms of time and money. Moreover, they completely depend on you for food and shelter for 18 years (and often financially for several years after that). If you have a mission that doesn’t pay particularly well (such as say, sculpture), then you may not be willing to have a child, and risk not being able to provide. Sleeping in your car while you build your clientele may work for an artist–it’s not fair to subject such hardship to a child.
Many people had terrible parents as children. For example, a friend of mine didn’t think that she would survive childhood. Her biological father left the family and provided little support. Her biological mother was a drug and alcohol abuser. For the most part, she was raised by her grandparents, who were also alcoholics. She remembers wild, drunken rides in the back of her grandparents car, and fear that she wouldn’t make it home alive.
My friend is smart, funny, beautiful, and compassionate. Miraculously, she survived to adulthood without exhibiting many of the maladaptive traits of her parents. However, she doesn’t want to have children, preferring instead to devote her time to her work as a counselor. I don’t know if she fears that her kids would inherit the bad traits of her parents (as her sister and brother have), but it doesn’t seem irrational to me if she simply wants to avoid the risk. (Though I would still encourage her to have children.)
But let’s assume that someone simply doesn’t want to have kids because it would cramp their nightlife. The word “responsible” implies someone to whom one is responsible. But when it comes to how one spends one’s life, to whom are you responsible, other than yourself and the people with whom you voluntarily enter agreements?
And as for being hedonistic, what’s wrong with that? It seems to me a reasonable goal to extract as much pleasure out of life as possible. Now, I happen to think most people will find greater satisfaction in pursing a long term project, such as raising a child, than they will pursuing short term pleasures such as drinking and carousing. But that’s a difference of means, not ends–the end is still maximizing area under the lifetime hedonistic curve.
So, my thanks to those of you who’ve had kids. I think you’re making the world a better place. And to those who don’t plan to have kids, I hope you change your mind someday. :)
(And, for the record, I don’t have kids now, but plan to have them.)
