Serenity

comments in 's journal:

So I understand that lots of people on LiveJournal are really excited about this movie.

But I saw the commercial at least 5 times this weekend, and not one time did it make the movie look the slightest bit interesting or appealing.

Here's my (modified) response:

I think the first trailer released was not so great. The international trailer (Quicktime) is probably the best.

Will you like it? Judging from the response of mainstream critics, you don't have to be a fanboy to enjoy the film. The movie is currently getting an 83% rating on the Rottentomatoes “Cream of the Crop” critics rating. Ebert, the NYT, and the Village Voice, among others, are giving it positive reviews:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/serenity/

However, if you can, I recommend watching Firefly series first. Although I think the movie stands on it's own, I think it has a much greater emotional impact if you know more of the backstory. Also, if you like the series, you'll probably like the movie. If you don't like the series, you probably won't.

Of the TV episodes, I think Serenity (the pilot), The Train Job, and Our Miss Reynolds give a pretty good idea of what to expect from the rest.

As for myself, I liked Firefly/Serenity for, among other things, the snappy dialog, the subversion of sci-fi/action cliches, and emotional realism. Whedon and crew do a great job of making the audience care what happens to the Serenity crew. (Serenity is the name of their spaceship). It is also nice to see a trader/smuggler as a positively portrayed main character, unlike most of the quasi-military protagonists of say, Star Wars, or Star Trek.

I also like the many subtle touches that help establish the Firefly world. For example, in several episodes Book and Jayne converse while working out with a standard Olymic weight set. Kaylee's cabin entrance has flowers painted on the sill. The kitchen looks like a real working kitchen, not a sterile mess hall.

That said, the movie doesn't dwell on such details, as it is much faster paced. The dialog and emotional realism remain–but it begins with an action sequence, and doesn't let up much until the end. It was one of the few movies that completely absorbed my attention.

The movie/series does have some flaws. (Possible minor spoilers: highlight the following sentences to reveal). For example, the Reavers, a band of cannibalistic space pirates, terrorize Serenity's crew in both the series and the movie. I found both the explanation of their origin, as well as their continued existence as spacefarers, to be quite implausible,

At worst, I think you will think it's a decent, modest movie, but you will wonder what all of the fuss is about. At best, you will be replaced with a Firefly pod person who looks like but can't stop raving about the film become a fan.

(Note that I had never seen Buffy or Angel nor had any idea of who Whedon was before seeing the series. )

Shining

Best. Trailer. Ever.

Shining (Quicktime).

Via .

Front Sight owned by Scientologist

noted that Front Sight, a large firearms training company in Nevada, is owned by

http://www.dianahsieh.com/scientology/

http://www.raids.org/fsite1.htm

Front Sight: first town built for gun enthusiasts

http://www.frontsight.com/news.asp?Action=ViewNews&ID=20

THE FIRST TOWN IN THE WORLD TO BE BUILT FOR GUN OWNERS AND ENTHUSIASTS

Across the shimmering desert, deep inside what is still America's Wild West, the faint rat-a-tat-tat of machine gun fire can be heard. Down a dusty trail, pocketed with no trespass signs, three white Bedouin style tents poke above the barren rocks. Ten men in Navy fatigues, with handguns strapped to their waists, wave visitors in at the Nevada desert sight. Shooting ranges have been cut into the sandy ground, gunshells litter the landscape and building materials lie all about.

The isolated and still empty wilderness may not look like much, but what it is about to become will send chills down the spine of many and warm the hearts of others still. For this is 'Front Sight,' the first town in the world to be built for gun owners and enthusiasts. The gated community will offer residents not golf courses, not swimming pools, but an array of shooting ranges, a SWAT assault tower, video simulators, underground tunnels for urban warfare training, a gun school and a private enclosure to train celebrities how to defend themselves with guns. A armed neighbourhood watch group will patrol the streets and the nearest policeman will be stationed ten miles away in another town. The $25 million project is named after the sight at the front of the gun. It offers prospective buyers 117 one-acre custom made homes and 350 townhouses. It will have its own school teaching up to college age and have its own private airstrip. It has been dubbed a Disneyland for shooters or a Pebble Beach of responsible gun training. Residents will walk around with guns strapped to their waist holsters. In Nevada private citizens can even own sub-machine guns. Street names will reflect the image of concerned Americans who fiercely defend their right under the Constitution to bear arms. They will be called 'Second Amendment Drive,' 'Sense of Duty Way' and 'Three Secret Circle.'

“It's the Pebble Beach of firearms training,” boasts the mastermind behind the pioneering project, [27]Dr. Ignatius Piazza. “I felt there was a need for a world class facility, done much like the golf resort industry. The people living in Front Sight will have an expertise in the use of firearms that is far superior to the police force. This is not about building a Waco compound for gun nuts. We are building a world class resort centred around the safe and responsible use of firearms and to provide a level of training that is better than that given to any law enforcement in this country. The people who take our classes and are interested are honest, law abiding citizens. What we are giving them is similar to what you find in a high-end golf resort.” Front Sight will be able to house about 600 people as full time residents. Another 550 can rent townhomes while doing gun courses there and 40 staff will man the community. “I am building Front Sight because it is needed. Interest is growing at 300% per year in gun self-defence. Gun control has never worked and it never will. Gun control actually increases violent crime because it shifts the balance of power into the hands of the criminals. Recent scientific studies have proven that concealed weapons in the hands of law abiding citizens prevent 2.5 million murders, assaults and rapes per year in the US.”

To the European mind, a utopian society built upon the premise of guns is anathema. But this is not London, Paris or Vienna. This is America, a land sick of violent crime on their streets and in their schools. Front sight is nestled in the Nevada desert, 50 miles from the glittering casinos of Las Vegas and several miles from the nearest highway. [28]Piazza is a member of the powerful gun lobby the National Rifle Association, but insists he is not affiliated to any militia group. Most of the students attending his classes are police officers, housewives and professionals. With 70 million gun owners in the US and 222 million registered guns, the demand is there. About 9 million of gunowners have incomes higher than $100,000 a year.

“This is strictly high end. The model we're basing this on is a high-end golf resort,” said former chiropractor [29]Piazza, 39 “We are in no way, shape or form associated with any militia or extremists. Many of our clients are law enforcement.” In fact more than 3,000 people have come to see the planned town since January. The majority of interested 'residents' are professionals: doctors, lawyers, police officers, accountants, contractors and even a retired secret service agent. “Your radical people aren't going to be involved in this,” added David Dwyer, the engineer in charge of development. “The people who are the militants, the crazies up in Idaho who make $20,000 a year or less, we are not involved with them. This has national, high-end draw.” The community will be incorporated as a town and receive its own post (ZIP) code. Lots are not for sale; instead, they are included as one of the benefits of the highest level of membership in the Front Sight Training Institute. They have sold 26 platinum level memberships, which cost $200,000 and include land to build on and the use of gun training facilities. The lowest level for holidaymakers, the copper level, costs $6,000 and enables the member to attend a number of firearms courses and use the pro shop and gunsmith facility in a kind of timeshare programme. 'Front Sight's' first phase, which includes training rooms and ranges will be finished by the end of the year and new residents will be welcomed by the end of 2000 [30]Piazza is sensitive to the issue of violence particularly after the Columbine High School massacre and the Atlanta school shootings. But he is adamant that more gun ownership and better training would have stopped the attacks early on. “Firstly, these incidents have little to do with firearms. They are problems of parental supervision. The media and other outside influences have a big influence on these kids. But if teachers had been armed and properly trained we would not have seen a massacre at Littleton. Had any adults there been armed with a concealed weapon, it would not have been a six hour siege by two very disturbed individuals.. The problem would have been handled immediately. Lives would have been saved. The Israelis armed their teachers in the 70s after a spate of terrorist attacks and those attacks soon stopped. It is all about restoring the balance. Washington DC is the only place that does not allow any firearms ownership and yet they have the highest murder and violent crime rate. Gun control does not work.”

[31]Piazza, 39, has been a gun fan for years, but hit on the idea of fighting back against crime with the idea of a gun-friendly 'safe-haven' after a drive by shooting. His house in the upscale suburb of Aptos, California, was raked by automatic gunfire as a car of youths sped past in a random attack. The former chiropractor became fanatical about guns and took just about every course in gun self-defence he could find. He became one of the top gun instructors in America and set up Front Sight Firearms Training Institute in Bakersfield, California in 1996, which now trains more people in the use of guns than the next competing five centres put together. Then with the cashflow from those classes his dream of the ultimate weapons utopia became a reality. [32]Piazza was attracted to the Nevada desert site, because of the state's “friendly firearms” laws. Nevada allows citizens to carry concealed weapons and own sub-machine guns. The local police and town hall chiefs are backing the planned project. There has been no local opposition in Nevada, which proudly sees itself as the last remaining pioneer state in the US.

Donna Lamb, the Pahrump Regional Planning Commission secretary who toured the site said: “We were impressed with the magnitude of the project. And it seems pretty safe out there in the desert.” Tom Riley, a member of the Pahrump County Planning Commission, added: “Our planning commissioners are in support of it. Instead of the 19th hole they have the bullet hole. I don't really understand the need for sub-machine gun training. I don't really understand the need for a five-story SWAT tower, either. And I don't understand how they're going to find 177 people to move to the middle of the desert. It strikes me as being ludicrous. I have a problem understanding that concept, but I can't find anything wrong with it from a planning perspective.”

But the idea of an openly gun-toting society right in the middle of America brings memories of Waco and redneck Militia compounds. “I am frightened by these isolationists and gun fanatic people who want to commune together and promote a life that focuses on guns,” said Eric Gorovitz, policy director of the anti gun lobby the Bell Campaign. “They are talking about building a culture focused on guns. They will have a school with children growing up in this environment and then those kids will interact with the rest of society and that to me is scary.”

TIME: Neil Gaiman and Joss Whedon interview

http://www.time.com/time/arts/printout/0,8816,1109313,00.html

Sunday, Sep. 25, 2005
Interview: Neil Gaiman and Joss Wedon

Joss Whedon and Neil Gaiman may well be the two most interesting people creating popular culture right now. Whedon is the man behind Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, and he wrote and directed the science fiction film Serenity, which opens Sept. 30th. Gaiman created the instant-classic comic book Sandman, and he's the author of the new novel Anansi Boys, out this month. He has a new movie, Mirrormask, which also opens Sept. 30. They chatted on the phone together—chaperoned by TIME's Lev Grossman—about their work, their fans, their Klingon bodyguards and, of course, Timecop.

TIME: Joss, this is Lev from Time magazine. You're also in the virtual presence of Neil Gaiman.

Neil Gaiman: I'm not virtual. I'm here.

TIME: Sorry. You're virtual, Joss. Neil's real.

Joss Wedon: Okay. I wondered.

TIME: I'm glad we settled that.

JW: Nice to meet you.

NG: You, too. Lev was just asking whether we'd met, and I was explaining that once you get to a certain sort of level, there are 80,000 people who want to meet you, and you're being moved from place to place by people who want to make sure who we meet.

JW: Yes. I've been sixteen steps behind Kevin Smith for four years. I've never seen him.

NG: Exactly.

TIME: I think there's actually a law that you guys can't be in the same room at the same time. It's like the President and the Vice President, or something.

JW: Like the two Ron Silvers in Timecop.

TIME: That's exactly the simile I was looking for. So you guys both have movies coming out on September 30th.

NG: It will be National Geek Day.

TIME: Serenity has a bit of an unconventional story behind it. Joss, do you want to run it down for us real quick?

JW: Real quick, I did the show Firefly, which had a gloriously short career. I just loved the show and the people and the world too much to walk away when they cancelled it, so I hunted about for someone to agree with me and then, rather shockingly, found Universal Studios agreed with me to the tune of a great deal more money than I had ever expected to have to work with. What everybody said was dead in the water suddenly became—maybe not for them, but for me—a rather major motion picture.

TIME: Are you nervous? You've got 11 days before it opens.

JW: Something like that. I don't count. I'm not aware of the opening day. I'm not going to be hiding in the bathtub.

TIME: What do you do?

JW: I stockpile canned goods and hide in the basement.

NG: Lucky bastard. I'm going to be signing books out in public.

JW: That gives you great legitimacy. You can say, 'well, I write books. I'm above all this.'

TIME: You could write a book, Joss.

JW: Yes, but not in the next eleven days. I could write a blog.

TIME: Neil, you're a big blogger these days, right?

NG: I've been blogging since February of 2001. When I started blogging, it was dinosaur blog. It was me and a handful of tyrannosaurs. We'd be writing blog entries like, 'the tyrannosaurus is getting grumpy.'

These days there are 1.2 million people reading it. It's very, very weird. We have this enormous readership, as a result of which now I feel absolutely far too terrified and guilty to stop. I'd love to stop my blog at this point, but there's this idea that there will be 1.2 million people's worth of pissed-off-ness that I hadn't written anything today.

JW: That's the problem with doing anything. Everybody expects you to keep doing it, no matter what.

NG: For me, it's always that Mary Poppins thing. I'll do it until the wind changes. The joy of doing Sandman was doing a comic and telling people, no, it has an end, at a time when nobody thought you could actually get to the end and stop doing a comic that people were still buying just because you'd finished. Probably of all the things I did in Sandman, that was the most unusual and the oddest. That I stopped while we were outselling everybody, because it was done. What everybody wants is more of what they had last time that they liked.

JW: Every other question I get is about the Buffy-verse.

NG: Except the trouble is, as a creator…I saw a lovely analogy recently. Somebody said that writers are like otters. And otters are really hard to train. Dolphins are easy to train. They do a trick, you give them a fish, they do the trick again, you give them a fish. They will keep doing that trick until the end of time. Otters, if they do a trick and you give them a fish, the next time they'll do a better trick or a different trick because they'd already done that one. And writers tend to be otters. Most of us get pretty bored doing the same trick. We've done it, so let's do something different.

TIME: Joss, you're someone who insisted on doing the same thing again. Was that a tough decision? I'm sure you had a zillion offers on the table once Buffy ended.

JW: Well, it wasn't a question of doing the same thing again as finally finishing the thing that I'd started. There are definitely times when you go through every permutation of an idea and then you go, well, that's over. And that was lovely, thank you. I'll have my fish. With Serenity, I felt like we had just gotten started. The story hadn't been told yet. That's what put the fire in me. When I actually had the whole thing filmed and cast and ready to go, and then it wasn't finished, it made me a little bit insane.

TIME: Let's talk about your respective fan bases. A lot of them self-identify as kind of on the geeky side.

NG: I think the fan base is literate. You need to be reasonably bright to get the jokes and to really follow what's going on. That, by definition, is going to exclude a lot of people who will then get rather irritated at us for being pretentious and silly and putting in things they didn't quite get. But it's also going to mean that some of the people who do get the stuff will probably be fairly bright.

JW: Especially, I think, living in any fantasy or science fiction world means really understanding what you're seeing and reading really densely on a level that a lot of people don't bother to read. So yes, I think it's kind of the same thing.

But I also think there's a bit of misconception with that. Everybody who labels themselves a nerd isn't some giant person locked in a cubbyhole who's never seen the opposite sex. Especially with the way the Internet is now, I think that definition is getting a little more diffuse.

NG: I know that our fan bases overlap enough to be able to say fairly confidently that the joy of signing for me, and the joy of signing for Joss, is you can't tell who's your fan any more. When I started doing Sandman, I could look at a line of people lined up to get my autograph, and I knew who was my fan and who was somebody's mum there to get a signature. It doesn't work that way anymore. People say, well, there's the Goths or whatever, and you always do get a few beautiful Goths and people always remember them, but they may be one of a hundred in a line. Mostly they're people. They're us. That's what they look like.

JW: They're a lot more attractive than I am, actually, which kind of disturbs and upsets me.

TIME: When I was growing up, only the geeky and socially marginal people were into stuff like Spiderman and JRR Tolkien. But in the last five years they've become the biggest entertainment phenomena around. How did it get so nerds are suddenly driving popular culture?

JW: I do think you can definitely see indications that Hollywood has woken up to the market, to the idea of this community as a way to put out their product. But fantasy movies have always been huge. It's not like Star Wars —which came out when I was eleven—was a tiny art house flick. So I'm always sort of curious at the marginalization of the people who adore them.

NG: I think also, the thing that's odd is that we're now living in a second-stage media world anyway. One of the reasons that both Joss and I can do some of the stuff that we've done over the years is because you're working in a medium in which enough stuff has simply entered popular culture that it becomes part of the vocabulary that we can deal with. The materials of fantasy, of all different kinds of fantasy, the materials of SF, the materials of horror…it's pop culture. It's tattooed on the insides of our retinas. As a result, it's something that's very easy just to use as metaphor. You don't have to explain to anybody what a vampire is. You don't have to explain the rules. Everybody knows that. They know that by the time they're five.

JW: We're getting to a point where you don't have to excuse them, either. Where popular culture as a concept is itself popular, so it isn't as marginal if you say, oh, this has a fantastical element to it. People are okay with that. Part of that is the post-modern sort of we're-in-the-know, everything-is-referencing-everything. Which can actually be annoying after a while. But part of it is also an understanding that what's going on in society that is popular is maybe worth looking into.

NG: We're also in a world right now in which mainstream fiction borrows from fantasy. A world in which Michael Chabon wins a Pulitzer with a book with a load of comics characters in it. I no longer know where the demarcation lines are. My stuff gets published in some countries as fiction and in some countries as fantasy. It's just where they think it will do best in the bookshops.

TIME: One of the best novels I read this year was Never Let Me Go, by Kazuo Ishiguro. They don't come much more highbrow than Ishiguro, but this was set in an alternate universe where humans are being cloned and having their organs harvested. Not only can Ishiguro do that, he can do that and hardly anyone even remarks on it.

JW: It's Remains of the Clone! It's absolutely just his sensibility, with that one little twist that you have to call it science fiction or fantasy to an extent. Nobody would not consider it a serious classical novel.

TIME: I almost miss the stigma that used to attach to these things. Now everybody's into Tolkien. And I feel a little like, hey, I've been into that stuff my whole life. And in fact, you used to beat me up for it.

JW: I miss a little of that element, the danger of, oh, I'm holding this science fiction magazine that's got this great cover. There a little bit of something just on the edge that I'm doing this. That's pretty much gone. Although when I walk into a restaurant with a stack of comic books, I still do get stared at a little bit.

NG: I always loved, most of all with doing comics, the fact that I knew I was in the gutter. I kind of miss that, even these days, whenever people come up and inform me, oh, you do graphic novels. No. I wrote comic books, for heaven's sake. They're creepy and I was down in the gutter and you despised me. 'No, no, we love you! We want to give you awards! You write graphic novels!' We like it here in the gutter!

JW: We've been co-opted by the man.

NG: We're in this weird world. Anansi Boys is coming out, and it's a funny fantasy novel, and it's being published as a mainstream thing. It should have been 10,000 copies just to people who love them, who would have had to go to a science fiction specialty shop with a cat in it just to find it.

JW: But ultimately I prefer this, just because . . . well, it's not as though I'm only trying to reach one tiny segment of people when I write. It's not like I want to have the clubhouse with the No Girls sign. I appreciate the people who are stepping into genre a little bit because they realize there's more there. For me, ultimately, even though I miss my twenty minutes of actually being cool and marginalized, I think it's more gratifying ultimately to be in this world.

TIME: Have either of you guys considered going straight, doing a non-genre project?

NG: My mind tends to work in this way. Every now and then I'll do little things, a short story or something, that doesn't have any fantastical elements, but mostly I like the power of playing God and I like to imagine things. You can imagine. It's the power of concretizing a metaphor. Taking something and making it real and making it happen and seeing where it goes. It's a special kind of magic.

TIME: Joss, I realize when I said that that you've actually done plenty of non-genre stuff.

JW: But it's funny, I keep having to remember that. I always say, I will never do anything that's not genre. People go, well, what about Roseanne? I'm like, yeah, okay, but . . . That to me was genre because it was a sitcom with real people in it which, to me, was at that point a fantasy. I always tend to think just left of center, to remove myself from the world by one step. It is very freeing, and it's a particular way of coming at stories and looking at them that I find the most beautiful stuff that I know comes from, ultimately.

It's all stories about people. I mean, that's all anybody's writing, with very few exceptions. I can't imagine doing anything just straight up, unless it was a period piece, because so much of science fiction is basically creating history. A fascination with any time that's not ours is inevitable, so I love period stuff. That's the only thing I could imagine myself doing right now that wasn't straight-up fantasy.

TIME: Let's talk about Mirrormask. Is that fantasy?

NG: Sure, Mirrormask is fantasy. Dave McKean—who directed it and who co-came up with the story—I suspect thinks it's not fantasy because it's a dream, and because of various other things, and because Dave is not terribly comfortable with the idea of fantasy. I'm perfectly comfortable with fantasy, so I think it's definitely fantasy. But the brief with Mirrormask was Henson coming to us and saying, in the Eighties, Henson's did The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth. They were family fantasy films. They cost $40 million each. We'd like to do another one. We have $4 million. If we gave you that $4 million, could you come back with a movie, and we won't tell you what to do? As deals go, it's that bit at the end that said, we won't tell you what to do that was, okay, yes, I will happily take not enough money to make a huge fantasy movie and try and make a huge fantasy movie with it.

But then, I get fascinated because, in America, it almost seems like family has become a code word for something that you can put a five-year-old in front of, go out for two hours, and come back secure in the knowledge that your child will not have been exposed to any ideas. I didn't want to do that. I like the idea of family as something where a seven-year-old would see a film and get stuff out of it, and a fifteen-year-old would get something else out of it, and a 25-year-old would get a different thing out of it.

JW: That's a difficult thing to explain in this country, particularly to a ratings board. If you're doing something that's layered at all, that anybody who's old enough to understand it can and should, and anybody else won't, they'll connect to it on a different level. Things get very codified, very black and white. It's tough.

NG: I got to see the poster for Mirrormask yesterday. I was delighted at the bottom where it says, PG, Parental Guidance Suggested, and then underneath they had to give a reason. It says, 'for some mild thematic elements and scary images'. I thought, that's cool. It's PG for thematic elements.

TIME: Mild ones.

NG: Mild ones, but they're thematic. I thought, who comes up with that?

JW: I've got some violence and I think I have sexual innuendo. In one sentence, somebody says something vaguely naughty. I was excited to see how I was going to be pegged, too.

TIME: You've both written for comic books, on top of all your other projects. What interests you about that medium?

JW: This is a mythos I grew up with. I never tire of the heroes that I knew growing up. The fun is not that much different from doing a television show: You're stuck with a certain set of rules and then, rather than trying to break them, it's just trying to peel away and see what's underneath them. That to me is really fun.

Ultimately, there's no better way to create a fantasy world than with a great artist. And animation takes a wicked long time.

TIME: I don't even remember who's in the X-men anymore. Is Colossus still in it?

JW: Which of the 19,000 books are you talking about? In mine was the Beast, Kitty Pryde, Cyclops, Emma Frost, Colossus…and the unpopular one. Wolverine.

TIME: Emma Frost is in the X-men now?

JW: She's been an X-man for some time.

TIME: They do know she used to be a villain, right?

JW: Yes they do. It's all about forgiveness.

NG: There is a tradition in these things.

TIME: Kitty was sort of a proto-Buffy, right?

JW: Kitty was a huge proto-Buffy. I mean, there was no other you could point to as strongly. And they weren't really doing anything with her, which, you know, made me happy to no end. And when they asked me to bring Colossus back, there I had Kitty and her first love. It was actually terribly romantic, to me anyway. I think I care way too much about these characters.

NG: That's also the trouble with comics characters. If you read them at a certain age, they worm their way into your psyche. They live in your head. They are as real as anybody else in there, and you care about them.

JW: I think there's a possibility that comic book movies are getting a tiny bit better on the one hand because they're no longer made by executives, who are, you know, ninety-year-old bald tailors with cigars, going, the kids love this! But even executives and producers and people who aren't necessarily creative who are involved in it did actually grow up with these characters, so there is some measure of respect. Although we still occasionally get League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and you really can't explain that.

NG: Or Cat Woman.

JW: Oh my God.

TIME: You're working on Wonder Woman now, right?

JW: I am.

TIME: How's that going?

JW: In my head, it's the finest film ever not typed yet. It's incredible fun, partially because I was never actually a huge fan. I never really felt there was . . . there's been some great work, but never one definitive run on the book for her, and I'm not a fan of the show. I feel like I'm taking an icon I already know and creating it for the first time.

NG: She's such a character without a definitive story. Or even without a definitive version.

JW: That's how I feel. I hope to change that because I really feel her. Let's face it: She's an Amazon, and she will not be denied.

TIME: I'm really hoping her bustier will slip down a little bit further than it did in the show.

JW: You're just after a porno, aren't you?

TIME: Yes.

JW: It's all about priorities. Yes, it's very empowering for her to be naked all the time.

TIME: I don't think anybody has filmed your comic books, Neil.

NG: I think I've actually dodged several bullets, though, having read scripts of unutterable badness. And even utterable badness. They did a cover article on me once in the Hollywood Reporter about two years ago, the entire thrust of which was that I was the person who sold the most things to Hollywood without anything getting made, which at the time I suspect was a completely specious argument anyway.

Since then, a few things have actually gotten green-lighted. Coraline is being made by Henry Sellick as a stop-motion thing. Bob Mackey will start shooting the Beowulf script that Roger Avary and I did next week. It's one of his weird motion-capture things.

I just get to see, mostly from a distance, things going through awful adaptations. Books of Magic —Warner has done seven scripts on that, and it's now got to the point where my only response is, why don't you just change the lead character's name and not call it Books of Magic? You've now created something that that will do nothing but irritate anyone who thinks they're going to see a Books of Magic movie. But it's probably a perfectly decent movie, so just take the name off it.

JW: Have they ever asked you to write your own?

NG: I did Death: the High Cost of Living, which New Line are meant to be doing next year. They're going to call it Death and Me. I did that mostly because it was one of the things I'd done that was small enough and short enough and actually had a story shape and I could expand it into a movie rather than looking gloomily at something huge and trying to work at what to throw away. I liked that.

But that's barely even a fantasy movie. I mean, it's a story about a depressed sixteen-year-old who runs into a girl who claims to be Death, having her one day off every hundred years, and who may or may not be. It's kind of fun.

But Sandman movies, they just got increasingly appalling. It was really strange. They started out hiring some really good people and you got Elliot and Rossieau and Roger Avary came in and did a draft. They were all solid scripts. And then John Peters fired all of them and got in some people who take orders, and who wanted fistfights and all this stuff. It had no sensibility and it was just…they were horrible.

TIME: They probably tried to make it into one of those pornos. Bastards.

JW: I find that when you read a script, or rewrite something, or look at something that's been gone over, you can tell, like rings on a tree, by how bad it is, how long it's been in development.

NG: Yes. It really is this thing of executives loving the smell of their own urine and urinating on things. And then more execs come in, and they urinate. And then the next round. By the end, they have this thing which just smells like pee, and nobody likes it.

JW: There's really no better way to put it.

TIME: Tim Burton's Corpse Bride is out this month as well, making it effectively national Goth month.

NG: We are Goth icons. Joss and I. We don't have to be Goths, because we are Goth icons.

JW: I'm low on mascara. It's weird. I've made my bones with vampires, but I've never really associated anything I did with Goth that much, except that I've kind of made fun of them. I don't really see that as much at the conventions and stuff in the fan base. It might be somebody in Goth make-up coming up and saying, oh, this is for my mom.

The great thing for me about the convention is almost the little microcosm of every society of hardcores. The Jedis really represented this year. Actually a lot of Siths as well. And the anime kids and the indie-comic guys. You can always sort of tell what everybody is into, and there they all are. There is something both universal and totally marginal about the crowd. That's what I love.

NG: Last time I was at Comicom, there were like 5,000 people there, and the audience was going to try and cut me off with stuff to sign. They had to figure out how to get me off the stage. All of a sudden, I'm getting to the end of the conversation. Dave McKean and I were doing a Mirrormask thing and we're ready to leave the stage. I look up and they have a bodyguard line of 30 Klingons. They're six-foot six and four-feet wide and they have the foreheads and they had linked arms. We were being lead off behind a human wall —a Klingon wall—of Klingon warriors. And I thought, how good does it get?

Copyright © 2005 Time Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited. Privacy Policy

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Serenity outing?

Who wants to go to the premiere of Serenity with me this Friday? I'm planning to go to the 7:00 p.m. showing at the Raleigh Grand, followed by dinner somewhere nearby TBD. If you want to go, let me know.

Licensure helped medical cartels shut down mutual aid societies

http://www.heritage.org/Research/PoliticalPhilosophy/hl677.cfm

From Mutual Aid to Welfare State: How Fraternal Societies Fought Poverty and Taught Character
by David T. Beito
July 27, 2000

By the 1930s, fraternal societies had entered a period of decline from which they never recovered. While this trend was caused by several factors, including increased competition from commercial insurance and the lure of competing forms of entertainment, such as radio and movies, it was fundamentally due to a transformation in the nature of fraternalism. By the 1940s, conviviality and life insurance, instead of mutual aid, became the order of the day. But these inducements were rarely enough to attract and hold members.

One of the earliest reasons for the shift in fraternal priorities can be laid at the doorstep of the medical associations. As early as the 1910s, the profession, increasingly fortified by tighter certification requirements which reduced the supply of doctors, had launched an all-out war against fraternal medical services by imposing manifold sanctions, including denial of licenses against doctors who accepted these contracts. One highly effective method of enforcement was to pressure hospitals to close their doors to fraternal members who used “lodge doctors.” By 1914, Dr. Robert Allen in the Journal of the American Medical Association could state, with slight exaggeration, that “there is scarcely a city in the country in which medical societies have not issued edicts against members who accept contracts for lodge practice.” Some societies, such as the Security Benefit Association, responded to this pressure by building self-contained hospitals. They too, however, often ran afoul of medical society pressure as well as a federal tax code that discriminated in favor of third-party insurance.

http://themagnumgroup.net/blog/2005/08/wanna-outsource-your-personal-life.html

My Outsourced Life

By A. J. Jacobs
September 9, 2005
I REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE to write this article myself. I mean, why am I the one stuck in front of a computer terminal? All this tedious pecking out of words on my laptop. Nouns, verbs, adjectives, prepositions. Jesus. What a pain in my ass. Can't someone else do it? Can't I delegate this to one of my new assistants and spend my day kicking back on a chaise lounge, Sam Adams in hand, admiring Mischa Barton's navel on my TV?

What about having Asha write it? Or Sunder, Vivek, or Mr. Naveen? Or best of all, my sweet, sweet Honey? Pretty much anyone on my overseas staff will do. Or maybe not. Maybe that's one of the lessons of these jarring and curiously enlightening four weeks. Dammit. I guess I'll have to write about the lessons, too. Okay, on with it. Here you go. As my team might say, thanking you in advance for reading this story.

It began a month ago. I was midway through “The World Is Flat,” the bestseller by Tom Friedman. I like Friedman, despite his puzzling decision to wear a mustache. His book is all about how outsourcing to India and China is not just for tech support and carmakers but is poised to transform every industry in America, from law to banking to accounting. CEOs are chopping up projects and sending the lower-end tasks to strangers in cubicles ten time zones away. And it's only going to snowball; America has not yet begun to outsource.

I don't have a corporation; I don't even have an up-to-date business card. I'm a writer and editor working from home, usually in my boxer shorts or, if I'm feeling formal, my penguin-themed pajama bottoms. Then again, I think, why should Fortune 500 firms have all the fun? Why can't I join in on the biggest business trend of the new century? Why can't I outsource my low-end tasks? Why can't I outsource my life?

The next day I email Brickwork, one of the companies Friedman mentions in his book. Brickwork — based in Bangalore, India — offers “remote executive assistants,” mostly to financial firms and health-care companies that want data processed. I explain that I'd like to hire someone to help with Esquire-related tasks — doing research, formatting memos, like that. The company's CEO, Vivek Kulkarni, responds: “It would be a great pleasure to be talking to a person of your stature.” Already I'm liking this. I've never had stature before. In America, I barely command respect from a Bennigan's maître d', so it's nice to know that in India I have stature.

A couple of days later, I get an email from my new “remote executive assistant.”

Dear Jacobs,
My name is Honey K. Balani. I would be assisting you in your editorial and personal job. . . . I would try to adapt myself as per your requirements that would lead to desired satisfaction.

Desired satisfaction. This is great. Back when I worked at an office, I had assistants, but there was never any talk of desired satisfaction. In fact, if anyone ever used the phrase “desired satisfaction,” we'd all end up in a solemn meeting with HR. And I won't even comment on the name Honey except to say that, real or not, it sure carries Anaïs Nin undertones.

Oh, did I mention that Vivek sent me a JPEG of Honey? She's wearing a white sleeveless shirt and has full lips, long hair, skin the color of her first name. She looks a bit like an Indian Eva Longoria. I can't stop staring at her left eyebrow, which is ever so slightly cocked. Is she flirting with me?

I go out to dinner with my friend Misha, who grew up in India, founded a software firm, and subsequently became nauseatingly rich. I tell him about Operation Outsource. “You should call Your Man in India,” he says. Misha explains that this is a company for Indian businessmen who have moved overseas but who still have parents back in New Delhi or Mumbai. YMII is their overseas concierge service — it buys movie tickets and cell phones and other sundries for the abandoned moms.

Perfect. This could kick my outsourcing up to a new level. I can have a nice, clean division of labor: Honey will take care of my business affairs, and YMII can attend to my personal life — pay my bills, make vacation reservations, buy stuff online. Happily, YMII likes the idea, and just like that the support team at Jacobs Inc. has doubled. And so far, I'm not going broke: I'm paying $1,000 for a month of eight-hour days from Honey (Brickwork gave me a half-off deal) and $400 for a month of four-hour days from Your Man in India.

To pay for YMII, I send my MasterCard number in an email. The company's CEO, Sunder P., replies with a gentle but stern note: “In your own interests, and for security purposes, we advise you not to send credit-card information through email. Now that it has been sent, there is nothing much we can do about it and we confirm safe receipt.” Damn. I know what he's thinking: How the hell did these idiots ever become a superpower?

Honey has completed her first project for me: research on the person Esquire has chosen as the Sexiest Woman Alive. (See page 232.) I've been assigned to write a profile of this woman, and I really don't want to have to slog through all the heavy-breathing fan Web sites about her. When I open Honey's file, I have this reaction: America is fucked. There are charts. There are section headers. There is a well-organized breakdown of her pets, measurements, and favorite foods (e.g., swordfish). If all Bangalorians are like Honey, I pity Americans about to graduate college. They're up against a hungry, polite, Excel-proficient Indian army. Put it this way: Honey ends her emails with “Right time for right action, starts now!” Your average American assistant believes the “right time for right action” starts after a Starbucks venti latte and a discussion of last night's Amazing Race 8.

I GET an introductory email from my personal-life outsourcer. Her name is Asha. Even though the firm's called Your Man in India, I've been assigned another woman. Hmm. I suspect these outsourcers figure I'm a randy men's-magazine editor who enjoys bossing around the ladies. I email Asha a list of books I want from Amazon.com and a birthday gift I'd like her to buy my wife, Julie — a silicone pot holder. (Romantic, no?) Both go smoothly.

In fact, in the next few days, I outsource a whole mess of online errands to Asha: paying my bills, getting stuff from drugstore.com, finding my son a Tickle Me Elmo. (Actually, the store was out of Tickle Me Elmos, so Asha bought a Chicken Dance Elmo — good decision.) I had her call Cingular to ask about my cell-phone plan. I'm just guessing, but I bet her call was routed from Bangalore to New Jersey and then back to a Cingular employee in Bangalore, which makes me happy for some reason.

Every day Asha attaches an Excel chart listing the status of my many tasks. The system is working — not counting the hitch in the drugstore order: Instead of wax paper, we get wax-strip mustache removers for ladies. My wife is insulted. IT'S THE FOURTH morning of my new, farmed-out life, and when I flip on my computer, my email in-box is already filled with updates from my overseas aides. It's a strange feeling having people work for you while you sleep. Strange, but great. I'm not wasting time while I drool on my pillow; things are getting done.

As on every morning at 8:30, I get a call from Honey. “Good morning, Jacobs.” Her accent is noticeable but not too thick, Americanized by years of voice training. She's the single most upbeat person I've ever encountered. Whatever soul-deadening chore I give her, she says, “That would indeed be interesting” or “Thank you for bestowing this important task.” I have a feeling that if I asked her to count the number of semicolons in the Senate energy bill, she would be grateful for such a fascinating project.

Every call ends the same way: I thank her, and she replies, “You are always welcome, Jacobs.” I'm starting to like her a lot.

One task for which Honey is thankful is emailing my colleagues. I've begun to refuse to communicate with them directly. Why should I? Honey can be my buffer from the unpleasant world of office politics. I'll be aloof and mysterious, like the pope or Mark Burnett. This morning, I ask Honey to pester my boss about an idea I sent him a few days ago: an article on modern gold prospectors.

Mr. Granger,
Jacobs had mailed you about the idea of “gold prospecting.” I am sure you would have received his mail on this. It would be great if you could invest your time and patience on giving thought about his plans. Do revert and let Jacobs know about your suggestions on the same. As you know that your decision would be accepted with utmost respect.
Jacobs is awaiting your response.
Thanking you, Honey Balani

Another advantage to this strategy: My boss can't just email a terse “No,” as he might to me. Honey's finely crafted emails demand a polite multisentence response. The balance of power has shifted.

IT'S JULIE'S birthday today, and I've kept Asha busy with celebration-related tasks. Picnic orders, reminder emails to Julie's friends, and so on. Asha is more distant than Honey. I now have a vague sense of who Honey is — she's a mere twenty years old, likes to go bowling and go-carting, wears sleeveless shirts — but Asha? Nothing. In my few phone calls with Asha, I've noticed that her accent is slightly more pronounced than Honey's and that she speaks in sort of a monotone, so I can't even tell if she likes me. Which makes me insecure. And I'm even more nervous about her boss, Sunder P. He's been monitoring Asha's orders and sent me a note that she “missed the point” and bungled a communication about a kitchenware item. He's tough. But then today, the YMII team up and sends Julie an unsolicited birthday e-card — with butterflies and a Robert Louis Stevenson quote. I feel much better. I shoot back a thank-you.

Sunder P. writes back:

Looking at the things we have been ordering on behalf of you, Asha almost was feeling like being part of your household. So isn't it befitting that we wish your family and be part of your celebration. (Remotely . . . from 10,000 miles away.)

I tell him that we feel she's part of the family, too. I don't have the heart to inform him that Julie was kind of disappointed that I had asked Asha to call 1-800-Flowers. The roses and lilies looked fine to me, but apparently 1-800-Flowers is the McDonald's of florists, and she was expecting more Daniel Boulud.

I THINK I'M in love with Honey. How can I not be? She makes my mother look unsupportive. Every day I get showered with compliments, many involving capital letters: “awesome Editor” and “Family Man.” When I confess I'm a bit tired, she tells me, “You need rest. . . . Do not to overexert yourself.” It's constant positive feedback, like phone sex without the moaning.

Sometimes the relentless admiration makes me feel a little awkward, perhaps like a viceroy in the British East India company. Another cucumber sandwich, Honey! And a Pimm's cup while you're at it! But then she calls me “brilliant” and I forget my guilt.

Plus, Honey is my protector. Consider this: For some reason, the Colorado Tourism Board emails me all the time. (Most recently, they informed me about a festival in Colorado Springs featuring the world's most famous harlequin.) I request that Honey gently ask them to stop with the press releases. Here's what she sent:

Dear All,
Jacobs often receives mails from Colorado news, too often. They are definitely interesting topics. However, these topics are not suitable for “Esquire.”

Further, we do understand that you have taken a lot of initiatives working on these articles and sending it to us. We understand. Unfortunately, these articles and mails are too time consuming to be read.

Currently, these mails are not serving right purpose for both of us. Thus, we request to stop sending these mails.

We do not mean to demean your research work by this.

We hope you understand too.

Thanking you,

Honey K B

That is the best rejection notice in journalism history. It's exceedingly polite, but there's a little undercurrent of indignation. Honey seems almost outraged that Colorado would waste the valuable time of Jacobs.

Along the same lines, Honey wrote a complaint letter to American Airlines for me; the flight I recently took offered only shrimp for dinner, a dish I don't eat. “Since it has caused such an inconvenience, I demand reimbursement,” she wrote. Don't mess with Honey.

Incidentally, Honey and Asha don't know about each other. I'm constantly worried about getting busted for my infidelities, for my life of outsourcer bigamy. What if they run into each other at the Bangalore hardware store? What if I call Asha “Honey” and she thinks I'm hitting on her? MY FATHER-IN-LAW has come to town, which means a dinner filled with a series of increasingly excruciating puns. Asked whether he ever suffered gout, he replies, “No gout about it!”

Damn, do I wish I could outsource this dinner. Where's Honey? Where's Asha?

I've become addicted to outsourcing. I am desperate to delegate everything in my life but have to face the depressing reality that there are limits. I can't outsource those horrible twenty-five-minute StairMaster sessions. I can't outsource taking a piss. I can't outsource sex with Julie. Not that I dislike it, but we're trying to have another kid, which means a whole bunch of sex, and enough is enough, you know? It gets tiring. I can't outsource watering the ficus.

Still. . . . every weekend, I place a dutiful call to my parents. It's a nice thing to do, I figure — but it's also a huge time vacuum. This weekend it's Mom and Dad's anniversary, so I can expect it to eat up even more of my day than usual. Mr. Naveen to the rescue. I email Mr. Naveen — the YMII employee who will be on duty at the time — a few concerned-sounding questions and a couple of filial sound bites. Next day, I get this email:

I made an out bound call to Jacob's parents. They very happily received my call. I first introduced myself to them. Then I wished them Happy Anniversary they both told me thank you. . . . I asked them how is the weather in their place. They told me that it is pretty nice temperature here and the garden looks beautiful.

I won't reproduce the whole transcript, but apparently my mom's sprained foot has gotten better (though the rain does not help), and my dad's law practice is going along very well. As for me, I had a good week, apparently. This was highly successful outsourcing, saving me at least half an hour of sweaty-eared phone time.

MY OUTSOURCERS now know an alarming amount about me — not just my schedule but my cholesterol, my infertility problems, my Social Security number, my passwords (including the one that is a particularly adolescent curse word). Sometimes I worry that I can't piss off my outsourcers or I'll end up with a $12,000 charge on my MasterCard bill from the Louis Vuitton in Anantapur.

In any case, the information imbalance is pretty huge. I know practically nothing about them. So I email them both to request a minibiography.

Honey sends me a two-page file called Honey4U. She's a jazz and salsa dancer, loves “Friends,” reads Jeffrey Archer. She has a boyfriend. She works from 2:00 P.M. to 11:00 P.M. her time and has an hour-and-a-half commute at either end. She trains people in customer-handling skills and in how to lose their Indian accent. She likes broccoli, coriander, and orange juice.

Asha, as expected, is a little less prolix but still gives me some nuggets: She's also a salsa dancer, oddly enough. She used to do something called “value-based education through dance.” She studied electrical engineering, got married in February to a guy in real estate. She works from 9:30 A.M. to 5:30 P.M. Bangalore time. She lives with her in-laws.

I'VE REALIZED something: Asha and Honey never say no. I find myself testing them, asking them to perform increasingly bizarre tasks, inching toward abuse of power. Read “The New York Times” for me. email me a bunch of questions from “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” Send me a collection of Michael Jackson jokes (e.g., “Why was Michael Jackson spotted at Kmart? He heard boys' pants were half off”). I keep pushing, but I haven't yet found their limits. The closest I got to a no was when I made the admittedly odd request that Asha play the card game hearts for me, since I was wasting too much time playing it myself on my PalmPilot. Asha replied that she thought this was a “good idea” but that maybe she would do it after finishing the other projects.

EMBOLDENED BY Mr. Naveen's triumph with my parents, I decide to test the next logical relationship: my marriage. These arguments with my wife are killing me — partly because Julie is a much better debater than I am. Maybe Asha can do better:

Hello Asha,
My wife got annoyed at me because I forgot to get cash at the automatic bank machine. . . . I wonder if you could tell her that I love her, but gently remind her that she too forgets things — she has lost her wallet twice in the last month. And she forgot to buy nail clippers for Jasper.
AJ

I can't tell you what a thrill I got from sending that note. It's pretty hard to get much more passive-aggressive than bickering with your wife via an email from a subcontinent halfway around the world.

The next morning, Asha CC'd me on the email she sent to Julie.

Julie,
Do understand your anger that I forgot to pick up the cash at the automatic machine. I have been forgetful and I am sorry about that.
But I guess that doesn't change the fact that I love you so much. . . .
Love
AJ
P. S. This is Asha mailing on behalf of Mr. Jacobs.

As if that weren't enough, she also sent Julie an e-card. I click on it: two teddy bears embracing, with the words “Anytime you need a hug, I've got one for you. . . . I'm sorry.”

Damn! My outsourcers are too friggin' nice! They kept the apology part but took out my little jabs. They are trying to save me from myself. They are superegoing my id. I feel castrated.

Julie, on the other hand, seems quite pleased: “That's nice, sweetie. I forgive you.”

I shoot off another email to Asha: Could you thank her for forgiving me for not getting cash? And tell her that I, in turn, forgive her for forgetting to tell me about the Central Park date with Shannon and David until I overheard her talking about it with a friend.

The next morning I get CC'd on another Asha email to Julie:

Am happy you forgave me for not getting the cash. And I am glad to do the same about the Central Park date with Shannon and David.
It's human nature to forget. Perhaps, I could do better by having Asha put up a calendar and sending us reminders about these little things.
Love
AJ

Good. At least this time I got my little dig in. But Julie just brushes it off — it's hard to trump a hugging-teddy-bear apology note. Like it or not, those damn stuffed animals improved my marriage. Asha should take care of all my bickering; she's my better nature.

HONEY SEEMS to be lavishing me with even more adulation these days. She tells me that she waits eagerly for my emails. I'm beginning to feel like David Koresh without the guitar or weapons stash. It's a little stressful. I'm forever afraid of disappointing her, of not being creative or brilliant enough to merit her acclaim. On the other hand, maybe she's just doing her job and actually despises my white imperialist ass.

At the least, I figure I can take advantage of the exaltation. I ask Honey to write an entry in Wikipedia — the online, open-source encyclopedia — about me and my recent book, “The Know-It-All.” It reads in part:

“A. J. Jacobs is a not so unheard of international figure, who can threaten the most au courant wizards with his knowledge. . . . [He] is a writer and editor of phenomenal grey matter.”

Perfection.

FRIEDMAN QUOTES outsourcing advocates who argue we should embrace it as an opportunity. If someone else is plugging away on the lower-end tasks, that frees Americans to work on higher-end creative projects. Makes sense. After all, Jacobs is the creative genius with phenomenal grey matter. The world is better off with me focused on the high end.

But lately, Honey has started sending me unsolicited ideas — and some of them are pretty good. Granted, there are a few clunkers in there, and the English sometimes needs to be decoded, like a rebus. But there are also some winners: Honey suggests Esquire conduct a survey on what women want men to wear. Could work.

The point is, she's got talent. If Honey is a guide, the Indian workforce can be just as innovative and aggressive as the American, so the “benefits” might not be so beneficial. Us high-end types will be as vulnerable as assembly-line workers. (Friedman's other pro-outsourcing argument seems more persuasive — that free trade will open up the huge Chinese and Indian markets to American exports.)

Regardless, if I end up on a street corner with a WILL EDIT FOR FOOD sign, then at least I'll know that I've lost my job to decent, salsa-loving people like Honey and Asha.

DESPITE THREE WEEKS with my support team, I'm still stressed. Perhaps it's the fault of Chicken Dance Elmo, whom my son loves to the point of dry humping, but who is driving me slowly insane. Whatever the reason, I figure it's time to conquer another frontier: outsourcing my inner life.

First, I try to delegate my therapy. My plan is to give Asha a list of my neuroses and a childhood anecdote or two, have her talk to my shrink for fifty minutes, then relay the advice. Smart, right? My shrink refused. Ethics or something. Fine. Instead, I have Asha send me a meticulously researched memo on stress relief. It had a nice Indian flavor to it, with a couple of yogic postures and some visualization.

This was okay, but it didn't seem quite enough. I decided I needed to outsource my worry. For the last few weeks I've been tearing my hair out because a business deal is taking far too long to close. I asked Honey if she would be interested in tearing her hair out in my stead. Just for a few minutes a day. She thought it was a wonderful idea. “I will worry about this every day,” she wrote. “Do not worry.”

The outsourcing of my neuroses was one of the most successful experiments of the month. Every time I started to ruminate, I'd remind myself that Honey was already on the case, and I'd relax. No joke — this alone was worth the $1,000.

I'VE OUTSOURCED my marriage and filial duties, but somehow my son has gotten overlooked. It's time to delegate some parenting to the Jacobs support staff. Julie is out watching her childhood friend do a stand-up-comedy gig, and I'm stuck alone with Jasper. It's 7:00 P.M., Jasper's bedtime, but I've got to write some semi-urgent emails. No time for hungry caterpillars or jumping monkeys.

“Mr. Naveen? If I put you on speakerphone, would you be willing to read to my son? Oh, anything. The newspaper's fine. Yeah, just say his name once in a while. It's Jasper. Okay, I'm going to put you on now. Okay, go ahead.”

A pause. Then I hear Mr. Naveen's low but soothing voice: “Taiwan and Korea also are subscribing to new Indian funds in their markets.” Jasper isn't crying. I'm tapping away on my PowerBook. “European Union . . . several potential investors . . . parliament.” I glance at Jasper again; he seems perplexed but curious. “Aeronautical engineers and technicians.” Jasper seems to like aeronautical engineers. “Prospects of a strong domestic demand.” After three minutes, I start to feel guilt-ridden. I've officially begun to abuse my power. Why didn't I just turn on the Wiggles? Then again, Mr. Naveen's lilting voice is so comforting; if there were bright-colored cartoons of strong domestic demand, this would be ideal.

SPEAKING OF the Indian domestic economy, it's looking pretty rosy. My team is good, cheap, and absurdly eager. They will do anything short of violating the Geneva Conventions. And with most of the tasks — online shopping, thank-you notes, research — my crew saves minutes or even hours of my day. Admittedly, the outsourcing of my life is sometimes counterproductive — an ill-fated order of an eggplant dish from a nearby restaurant comes to mind. But overall, it's working. To me, it seems the future of outsourcing is as limitless as . . . blah, blah, blah.

You know what? I'm kind of bored writing this piece. I'm going into the other room to enjoy some “Entourage” on HBO. So I've asked Honey to finish up writing this article for me.

Once, I was watching “I, Robot” with my wife and I thought Life would become so easy with a robot. Then, the next instant I thought not just a robot but more of a humanized robot. In the book “The World Is Flat,” the author wrote about an interesting job that could be outsourced to India, which provoked me to have a Remote Assistant. Though I have never seen Honey K. B., I speak to her almost everyday when she calls me. Though our communication is not visual, I still know that she is a reliable assistant. Our interactions that we have had through mails and telephonic conversation never made me feel that she is miles away from me. To conclude I would say I did not get a robot but yes a Human like me who can think and work for me.

Yes, America, we're cooked.

Links in this article:

URL for this article:

http://www.smartmoney.com/esquire/index.cfm?Story=20050909-outsource

Wondering what is out there – 28

And the award for least self-aware personals ad goes to “Wondering what is out there – 28 in Wilmington”:

I am a truly, loving, caring person. I look for the best in people. My best quality is my caring, compassionate nature. I see what's there, but focus on the positive. I do all I can to improve the world around me, I know that when it's my time to go, all that will matter is what kind of person I was and how I treated other people. I love to laugh and am not above making an ass out of myself!

No losers.
No fatasses.
No bums.
No Mexicans.
No Italians.
No French Canadians.

Yeah, those French Canadian women are always getting on my nerves.