craschworks

P.O. Box 1753
Cary, NC 27512-1753
www.sirwaltergunclub.com
(919) 303 5192

Sell a neat knife sharpening system.

Walter A. Densmore, Jr.
Christine A. Densmore
Hunter Knife and Sharpers
Greenville, SC
864 967 9403
[email protected]

Via Laren Corie, on the Vandwellers mailing list:

I am slowly developing a system, which I hope I will be able
to sell over the Internet, but right now there are still a couple
of parts that I need to develop, before its ready for the market.
However, I can give you my opinion on how to put together a real
good system for a van.

Okay, first there are a variety of approaches used in the composting
toilet industry. I won't get into anything about the big systems, except
provide this link to “The Humanure Handbook” which is the bible
of residential composting toilets.

http://www.weblife.org/humanure/default.html

There is a list of parameters, which help define the design
of a system for use in vans, RVs, and boats. Size was critical.
So is the effect of the vehicle movement. There have been
a couple of systems designed for this market. Both were
much too large, for our purpose, and one even required a
step up, with the seat about 24″ above the floor. Both
require nearly 5ft² of floor space. One system had a
clear-out door on the bottom-front, and developed leak
problems. Yuck! What I have designed is a “desiccating,
urine separating, batch type, sawdust, composting toilet”
That is the shortest description I can give. What that
means, will be explained below. I will tell you how to,
very easily, make your own van composter, which has
every function my fancy design has, except for the
urine separation function, and even offers a working
technique to achieve that.

Here is another very short description:

“All you have to do is, buy one of these, and vent it”

http://www.campmor.com/webapp/commerce/command/ProductDisplay?prrfnbr=13784&

prmenbr=226

If you already have the bucket, you can buy just the seat:

http://www.campcircle.com/products.php?cid=511&pid=9880-03

BTW……These are very good prices. If you do happen to find
btter, please post them to the group.

Now, it really isn't quite that simple, but it is pretty close.

We can use the “Luggable Loo” as our starting point. Then,
to improve on the function of the basic bucket toilet, you
will need to do a few things.

1) Make a concerted effort to never pee in it. Not only does urine
make up a large part of human waste, and can be dealt with much
easier in a jug, it also makes a huge, very smelly mess, when you
mix it with the solid waste. That is one (a big one) of the many
problems with chemical toilets. Almost all of the smell is from
the mixing of the liquids and the solids. Your action of using
a urinal, can serve the same function as the separator does
in a urine separating composting toilet. A gallon jug makes
a great urinal. Guys can just remove the cap. Women can use
a funnel, or get one of these:

http://www.campmor.com/webapp/commerce/command/ProductDisplay?prrfnbr=13827&

prmenbr=226

http://www.campmor.com/webapp/commerce/command/ProductDisplay?prrfnbr=13823&

prmenbr=226

If you want to make a more elaborate system, you can
use a gallon jug, turned upside down, cut open, as a wall
urinal, with a drain tube, running from the spout, down
to a storage tank. A spray bottle of water makes a
very functional rinse/flush system. Put a couple of
drops of dish detergent in it to act as a wetting agent,
to facilitate better rinsing. (it contain glycerin) Once
urinal has been in a closed tank or bottle for about
two days, the few bad bacteria that were in it have
been killed, and it can safely be sprayed out onto
a lawn or dumped most anywhere.

2) You need a cover material, to sprinkle over the solid
waste, after deposit. Sawdust works very well. Wood fire
ash is excellent, too. That is what I use in mine. Wood ash
contains potash, which is a prime ingredient in fertilizer.
It is often added to compost piles. When it is added
directly to the toilet, it keeps the smell down, interferes
with flies, and speeds the drying process. BTW…put a
layer of ash or sawdust in the bottom, before using. By
using this cover material, you have changed your simple
bucket toilet into one of the most popular, and functional
types of composting toilets, a “Sawdust Composter”

If you are now thinking about that fly comment, a quick
spray with any flying insect spray will solve the problem
for days, if not weeks. The spray fumes will also never
spread in the van, because the toilet will be continually
vented to outside.

Now we have a system that will separate, and will cover,
and will begin to dry, and begin the composting process.

3) Add a strong plastic bag, as a removable canister liner.
Kitchen size trash bags are the right size. The pull-string
bags are probably the most convenient. The best color is
black. This is for two reasons. One is basic aesthetics. It
just looks better when you can't see into the toilet. The
other is so that flies can't see inside. If they can't see,
they won't fly in to find a place to lay their eggs. The
bags will allow you to deposit your “treasure” in a variety
of places. The best place is a compost pile, where it can
continue its natural return to the environment. You can also
dig a shallow hole to bury the waste, then put your plastic
liner bag into an adequately sized sealed baggie, to deposit
it without littering, at a later time. I just dump mine in a
secluded spot, back in my woods, and burn the bag. This
was the batch part of the formula. It allows a 'batch'
to be taken from the toilet, to continue its composting
process, while a new batch is being collected. A five gallon
bucket toilet, with attention given to separation, and use
of a cover material, will furnish you with as much as seven
weeks of full time use for one person, between batches.
A three gallon bucket allows you about 3½ weeks of use.
If your use is only part time, and the system is vented
to desiccate (dry) the compost, then you might go for
months before having to deal with the disposal part.

So, that is a “partially separatintg, batch type, sawdust,
composting toilet system” All we need now is……..

4) Venting……….This is where the mechanical fidgeting
comes in. If you happen to have an old round shop-vac
around, that you can cannibalize for parts, you might
want to steal the flex hose, and the coupling, where it
attaches to the round canister. Those usually have an
inside section that sticks out a little, and points down.
That part can be used to hold the upper edge of the
liner bag (the rest of the liner bag will just overhang
the bucket, and be held in place by the seat/bucket
connection. That inner part of the shop-van connection
needs to be in a location were it will not get soiled, but
should optimize the removal of any unfortunate gaseous
discharges (don't ya just love the language ;O) Anyway,
“in loo” of using shop-vac parts (I couldn't resist that
one) you can make the vent hose out of whatever you
find, that will work. HD has a variety of vent tubing
for sale, and there are fittings in the plastic plumbing
section, that will fit the vent hose, and screw together
through the hole you make near the top of the side of
the bucket. The amount of airflow for continual venting
is only a couple of CFMs, but you will want more, for
when the lid is open. At least 10CFM.

5) The Fan…What I have is a “Nicro” Solar vent fan,
which has a small Solar electric cell, and a nine volt
battery, so that it will run a couple of days, without
sunshine. I even saw some little hand held cooling
fans, at the dollar store, which seemed appropriate.
You will need to figure that part out. This will also
provide your van with general stale air/humidity
exhaust, which brings in fresh air. The composter
could also be vented out through an air-to-air heat
exchanger, so the about half of the lost heat gets
transferred to warm the cold incoming fresh air,
or cool the incoming air in the summer. This will
keep you van smelling fresher than it did before
you installed the toilet.

6) If you downsize, to a three gallon bucket, it will
be closer to standard toilet height and, can more
easily store under your bed platform, or in a short
cabinet. Just open the door, pull the toilet out, and
have the paper dispenser mounted on the inside of
the door. Your urinal can store in the same place.

That is all there is to it. Mine is only different, in
that it has a stylish looking outer shell, that its batch
canister sets within. That shell is vented, and I am
developing the urine separation system, which will
require making special molds to cast the custom
pieces. Most of the differences are cosmetic, and
just dress it up for the marketplace. This is not
theoretical. I have been using this type of system
for many months as my only toilet. It also requires
no chemicals, or water, like the chemical toilets do,
And, it produces natural beginning compost, instead
of that nasty, vile, gagging, pollution that chemical
toilets create. BTW, the drying kills most of the
bad bacteria. Read “The Humanure Handbook”
and you will understand much better.

—

> One subject I have never seen addressed is storage of the sawdust.

Hello Sandy;

I am sorry. I put out that long post spontaneously, and
there is easily enough to the subject for a book, or more.

> Seems to me that a 5 gallon waste receptacle would require a second
> 5 gallon bucket full of sawdust. Maybe a 3 gallon container might do,
> but certainly no smaller than that. Storage space in a van is already
> at a premium, and that extra bucket for sawdust takes up a fair
> amount of room. I guess we could pack sawdust into a plastic lined
> cardboard box – that would help. Is there another more space
> efficient way to handle the sawdust storage?

Sawdust does take up a lot of room. In my mind, way too much room.
There is also a problem with procuring sawdust. Wood ash contains
potash, which is one of the primary ingredients in fertilizer. It is
also the ingredient lacking in compost, so it is a real natural to add
wood ash to the toilet. It is also an excellent cover material, and
stores in a much small space than sawdust. Only about a half gallon
of wood ash, is needed to cover a 5 gallon batch. That is a ratio of
10:1. You can store it in a can, or a bag, or you can keep it in a
dispenser with a shaker top, to sprinkle out the wood ash powder.
I prefer a one gallon metal can, with a snug fitting lid, and a small
scoop, which holds a few of ounces of ash powder. I never use a
full scoop.

> I have an old book titled 'The Toilet Papers' by Sim Van Der
> Ryn that details the history of human waste disposal. Particularly
> interesting is an 'earth closet' design from 1906. It incorporates
> a urinal that empties into an earth lined pan that is vented to the
> outside.

Interesting……That must be one of the earlier documentations
of a urine separation system.

> The waste bucket itself is backed by a bottom-hinged door that
> opens to become a ramp, and the bucket slides down and outside,
> presumably to be emptied by one's lackey. But its best feature
> is the covering mechanism – equivalent to our flush device. The
> covering material (dirt, I think, or maybe sand) was stored in
> a cabinet mounted behind and above the waste receptacle. A
> lever on the front lowered the cabinet bottom and dry dirt
> flowed into the waste bucket!

The design of a system for a van is very unique. Size is a major,
and really the dominating parameter. The movement of the van
is a helpful aid in shaking down the compost and creating room
for more. Due to the movement, it is necessary to re-cover some
areas, later. It is necessary to optimize the cover material as
well. Wood ash takes up less room, for its ability to cover, than
other materials, like sawdust. It is also easier for a VanDweller
to replenish a supply of wood ash. Ash is available around any
place where people camp and build fires. My suggestion of a
“can” for ash storage, relates also to the ability to collect ash,
that may be still warm, and holds the potential of containing
live coals. The sealed metal can will extinguish any coals, and
alleviate any danger of fire..

There is another part of my 'system,' which I left out of
my opening long post. That is the separation of the paper
into a third container, with a sealed lid. I keep a plastic
grocery bag in that container. Those bags are small, and
easy to tie closed, and dispose of easily in a trash can.
This also keeps the 'compost' free of any manufactured
materials, so that it will return to nature far quicker.
Even with three containers, this system takes up only
as much room as a chemical toilet, yet it will go over
ten times longer, between emptyings for the same
volume tank.

-Laren Corie-

Last updated 1:40 PM.

Feel free to copy/paste this entire post to other Firefly forums, but please credit http://www.JacquelinePassey.com/ and let people know they can go there for updates.

The official website for this information http://www.cantstopthesignal.com/ appears to be updating now.

Officially SOLD OUT: Atlanta, Austin, Boston, Chicago, Dallas, Denver, Hartford, Kansas City, Las Vegas, Minneapolis, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Francisco, Seattle, Washington DC.

Tickets possibly still available:

Miami, FL http://tinyurl.com/77t32
Norfolk, VA http://tinyurl.com/czddo
Portland, OR http://tinyurl.com/8l6zr (Rumor has it there are problems purchasing tickets online — you might want to check with the theater directly.)
Sacramento, CA http://tinyurl.com/a62vv
Does “sold out” really mean sold out? Some of the “possibly still available” cities are rumored to be “sold out”. However there are other rumors that is just a software glitch, and if it is really sold out it will tell you as soon as you click on the screening time, not at the end of the purchasing process.

Tickets are already being resold on eBay: http://tinyurl.com/drgox

New Serenity preview showings have been announced! See Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey's blog for details. So far, tickets seeme to be available only in Washington,D.C. and Seattle,WA.

…just in case:

Human Rights Campaign  (hrc.org)
Family Pride Coalition (familypride.org)
Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook
April Martin

Judith Turkel
212 353 2200

Carol Buell
212 967 5710 (phone)
212 967 1336 (fax)
[email protected]
Weiss, Buell, and Bell
350 5th Avenue
Suite 2604
NY, NY 10118
Send her $500.00 by the end of the month. 

-----------------

Kelly, Bender Law Offices
(919) 870 9600

referred me to Deborah Weissman-Estis
Partner in Cohen, Estis, and Associates
(845) 2911 1900

1534 - Spoke with Todd Robinson

Said I needed to send
- agreement
- narrative, describing relationship, and respective rights/obligations
- $500 retainer ($225/hr * 3 hours) 

Todd Robinson
Cohen, Estis and Associates
40 Matthews St., Suite 203
Goshen, NY  10924
[email protected]
(845) 291 8601 (fax)

----

Sharon Thompson
919 688 9646 (phone)
919 683 1395 (fax)
Laurie Scott (paralegal)
400 West Main St., Suite 502
Durham, NC
South Bank Building, 5th floor.
wwww.stlawgroup.com
Appointment for 3:00 p.m. May 13th.  $250.00 + time spent reviewing contract.

—-

PRECONCEPTION AGREEMENT

(FOR DONOR INSEMINATION BY A KNOWN DONOR)

This agreement is made between Jennifer Heidemann, prospective mother and here referred to as Recipient, of 25 Black Creek Road, Highland, NY and Christopher Rasch, prospective sperm donor and here referred to as Donor, of 1929-F North Hills Drive, Raleigh, NC.

Recitals

A. Recipient desires to have a child through artificial insemination, using sperm donated by Donor.

B. Donor desires to donate sperm to recipient to enable her to have a child through artificial insemination.

C. Recipient understands that pregnancy involves risks such as miscarriage, difficult delivery, and birth defects in the child, and that such risks attach to conception through artificial insemination as well.

D. Recipient is not married.

Therefore, the parties agree as follows:

SECTION ONE

MEDICAL EXAMINATION AND TESTING

Prior to donating sperm to Recipient, donor agrees to undergo a complete physical and genetic examination to be performed by a licensed physician of Donor’s choice, if so desired by Recipient. In addition, Donor agrees to be tested for venereal disease and Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV), if so desired by Recipient. A copy of the results of the examinations and testing shall be provided to Recipient prior to insemination. Donor agrees to give true and complete answers to all questions asked by the examining physician regarding the Donor’s health and background. In the event that such examination and testing reveals that Donor has a venereal disease, is HIV positive, or may transmit a genetic defect, Recipient may cancel this agreement by giving notice of such cancellation to Donor.

SECTION TWO

SPERM DONATION

Donor agrees to provide semen to Recipient for artificial insemination 2 times per month, on consecutive days, for a period of six (6) months. Donor agrees to abide by any reasonable medical requests related to sperm donation. Donor also agrees to practice ‘Safe-Sex’ during the donation period or obtain truthful and accurate, negative venereal disease and HIV test results from the intended partner. If after six months, conception has not occurred, Recipient may cancel this agreement and seek out alternative methods.

SECTION THREE

DONOR’S FEES

All test, travel, instrument and material costs incurred by Donor will be paid by Recipient, either through reimbursement or prepayment. Donor agrees not to incur any expenses prior to Recipient’s consent. For Donor’s time and inconvenience, Recipient agrees to buy Donor one ice cream cone, size, flavor and toppings of Donor’s choosing.

SECTION FOUR

CONCEPTION

Recipient will notify Donor upon conception. Recipient agrees not to partake of any tobacco, alcohol, illegal drugs or any other substances harmful to the fetus. Recipient agrees to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Recipient agrees to seek all prenatal medical tests that are appropriate as recommended by Recipient’s physician. Recipient and Donor will discuss test results and reach a mutual decision in regards to the results. Recipient and Donor both wish for the pregnancy to be terminated in the event of the child being born with Down Syndrome or a similar type of severe disability. If the Recipient decides to bring the pregnancy to term, Donor may elect to forfeit parental rights as outlined in this agreement. If unable to reach a mutual decision Recipient and Donor agree to seek counseling to facilitate a decision. Recipient will pay for all pre-natal medical expenses including childbirth.

SECTION FIVE

PATERNITY

Donor has a right to attend the birth if desired. No video cameras, no cheerleading. Recipient’s significant other may have his/her name on the birth certificate as the father, if he/she so desires. Donor’s name will be on the birth certificate if the Recipient’s significant other opts not to have his/her name on the birth certificate. Donor has the right to change his mind and opt for ‘unknown’ on the birth certificate, if desired.

The parties agree that Recipient shall disclose the child’s parentage to the child when the child reaches the age of three (3) or when the child starts questioning his/her parentage, which ever is first. At no point do either party wish to conceal parentage in order to prevent future psychological harm or confusion to the child. Donor may opt to be present, if physically possible.

SECTION SIX

CUSTODY

Recipient will have sole custody of the child and Donor will retain parental rights, if desired (see Section Seven, Visitation). Donor agrees not to pursue child custody for any reason other than the case of danger to the child’s well-being. If Donor believes the child to be in danger (mental, sexual, emotional and/or physical) he may request a review of the child’s environment by a social worker. If it is determined by the social worker that the child is in an unhealthy environment, then the custody will be transferred to Recipient’s parents or brother. If either cannot assume custody, then Donor will assume custody and Recipient and Recipient’s parents will have reciprocal visitation rights (see Section Seven, Visitation).

SECTION SEVEN

VISITATION

Early childhood (years 0-6):

Recipient agrees Donor will be allowed to attend the following family holidays/ celebrations if he so desires:

Christmas

Easter

Thanksgiving

Child’s Birthday

Halloween

July 4th

Memorial Day

Labor Day

President’s Day

Donor’s Birthday

Childhood (6+ years):

Recipient agrees Donor will be allowed to attend the family holidays/ celebrations, as listed above. Donor will also be able to take the child on trips, when school is not in session, up to 14 days per trip and not more than 30 days total per year, if he so desires.

In all instances, Donor agrees to give Recipient reasonable notice prior to visiting, at least 24 hours.

Donor’s parents may also have the right to visit up to 14 days per year including the above named family holidays/ celebrations, giving Recipient reasonable notice prior to visiting, at least 24 hours.

If Donor’s and/ or Recipient’s religious belief’s change, the visitation rights named above will not change. Both parties agree not to impose religious restrictions or requirements during the time the child is visiting the Donor. Donor agrees to make reasonable effort to accommodate any religious restrictions or requirements.

SECTION EIGHT

CHILD SUPPORT

Recipient agrees not to sue Donor for child support. If Recipient sues Donor for child support, or if Donor is sued by a government agency for such support, then visitation right will be re-negotiated at that time. Donor agrees not to claim child as an income tax exemption unless Donor is paying child support. If Donor is paying chid support, Recipient agrees not to move without

prior written consent.

SECTION NINE

GUARDIANSHIP / INHERITANCE

In event of Recipient’s death the child’s guardianship will be determined by Recipient’s Last Will and Testament. Donor waives the right to challenge Recipient’s Last Will & Testament. If there is no pre-existing Last Will and Testament the child’s custody will transfer to the Recipient’s parents or Brother. If Recipient’s parents and brother are deceased or unable assume custody, the custody will transfer to the Donor. Donor, Donor’s parents and Recipient’s parents will retain all visitation rights regardless of the child’s custody.

The child will not have a claim on Donor’s estate except as stated in Donor’s Last Will and Testament. The Last Will and Testament, once written, will supercede this agreement with respect to inheritance.

SECTION TEN

CONTACT

Recipient and Donor agree to maintain contact information (address, e-mail and phone numbers) with the other party at all times. If either should move, each party agrees to provide new contact information within 30 days.

SECTION ELEVEN

DISPUTE RESOLUTION

Each party acknowledges and agrees that any and all disputes pertaining to this agreement which arises between them shall be submitted to mediation. If unsuccessful, then the dispute will be submitted to arbitration. The terms and conditions of mediation and arbitration will be determined when and if disputes are submitted.

Should any legal dispute arise outside of arbitration, the dispute will be resolved according to the laws of the child’s legal residence.

SECTION TWELVE

SEPARABILITY

In the event that any portion of this agreement is held invalid or unenforceable, the remaining portion of this agreement shall continue in effect.

Each party acknowledges and understands there are legal questions raised by the issues involved in this agreement which have not been settled by statue or prior court decisions. Notwithstanding, the knowledge that certain of the clauses stated herein may not be enforced in a court of law, the parties choose to enter this agreement and clarify their intent that existed at the time the artificial insemination was implemented by them.

Each party acknowledges and agrees that any changes made in the terms and conditions of the agreement shall be made in writing, signed by both parties and notarized.

This agreement contains the entire understanding of the parties. There are no promises, understandings, agreements or representations between the parties other than those expressly stated in this agreement.

Each party acknowledges and agrees that he or she signed this agreement voluntarily and freely,

of his or her own choice, without duress of any kind. It is further acknowledged that each party has been advised to secure the advise and consent of an attorney of his or her own choosing, and that each party understands the meaning and significance of each provision of this agreement.

Signature of Recipient Date

Signature of Donor Date

SPECIAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

I certify and acknowledge that Christopher Rasch is personally known to me, and presently resides at: 1929-F North Hills Drive, Raleigh, North Carolina 27612.

Subscribed and sworn to before me this __________ day of _____________________, 200__.

My commission expires: ___________________________

Notary Public: __________________________________________________

Name (type or print)

__________________________________________________

Address

__________________________________________________

City, state, zip [ NOTARY SEAL]

I certify and acknowledge that Jennifer Heidemann is personally known to me, and presently resides at: 25 Black Creek Road, Highland, NY 12528

Subscribed and sworn to before me this __________ day of _____________________, 200__.

My commission expires: ___________________________

Notary Public: __________________________________________________

Name (type or print)

__________________________________________________

Address

__________________________________________________

City, state, zip

[ NOTARY SEAL]

http://nomediakings.org/noprob.htm

On Wednesdays, We Make Movies
by Nicholas Johnson

Making a movie where each scene is the perfect length and contributes to the piece as a whole, leaving echoes of images that stay in the brain like aroma, is a colossal pain in the ass. I tried to make that movie once, and it was not only painful for myself but for my friends as well. I had a pool of about eight friends whom I begged mercilessly each week, trying to get at least three of them to show up to film. I thrust liquor at them to keep them patient while I futzed with my camera to assure perfect shots. Inevitably problems would arise: a wind would kick up and wobble the camera on its spindly tripod, a cloud would pass over and change the tone of the daylight, or I would fuck up the pan. I duplicated shots just to be safe, I took a thousand close-ups in case I needed them during editing, and few of the actors escaped without injury — in one case a knee injury requiring medical treatment, the result of quite unnecessary horseplay.

There are many things I could have done to improve the movie, but neither a better camera nor a more precise storyboard would have made the movie less of a pain in the ass. It may seem like I’m stating the obvious, but a quality movie generally requires quality attention, and quality attention usually means more time rather than less time. If making a decent movie, then, requires effort and discipline and time and attention, then shouldn’t one wait until one has the time to make that effort, buckle down, and throw all one’s attention at that movie to assure a quality final product?

This is the steel trap that has apprehended thousands who have confused “making a really good movie when I have the time” with not making a movie at all. Nine out of ten movies that exist on the face of the planet are plain awful, and there’s no reason one shouldn’t muscle in on the excitement. The time to make movies is now. While poor quality and sloppiness are not a desirable end product, there is no reason the end product should always be pampered like a spoiled child in the first place.

While your standard 90-minute bad video takes 90 minutes to watch, it took hundreds, even thousands, of hours to make. What was the result? A bad movie. If the end product was 90 minutes of bad movie, then what happened to all those thousands of hours they spent making the movie? Were they fun? Were they instructive? Were they miserable hours full of dismal tedium that would be unbearable but for the paychecks? The plight of the sweatshop key grip is not our present concern, but it becomes obvious on a quick hike through the aisles of your average video store that our holy reverence for the End Product is not all it's cracked up to be.

There are two opposing ways to approach the discrepancy between the time spent on movies and the quality of the final product. One way is to take every necessary step and as much time as needed to make a quality movie. Another way is to get rid of all the hours it takes to make a bad movie. As Jim put it, “instead of interminably long drawn out projects with huge flaws you get short and quick projects with huge flaws.” It does not follow that huge flaws are something to shoot for, but that flaws are a trivial concern if you decide to do the occasional project where the means justify the end.

For years friends and I have made bad videos. Though we worked together differently depending on who was around, here are some methods the loosely organized, multi-celled, and not officially named Fast and Trashy Film Group has found useful in the past:

Organizing

At first I tried to set dates, and round people up by the survey-and-remind method, which involved scheduling random dates like Thursday the 28th and Saturday the 12th scrawled and handed out on the back of bank receipts, but once we got more than two people involved it became an unspeakable nightmare of logistics, so we finally decided to make movies every Wednesday night at my place. After a month or so, Wednesday movie nights became an automatic occurrence where people just began showing up. One of the benefits of this was that there was no pressure on anyone to show up, because they had not scheduled two weeks ago that they would be there on Monday the 6th, and everyone was free to decide at the last minute whether they wanted to come. It was easy to remember Wednesdays. Every week. Tell your friends. Sometimes the neighbor would drop by on Wednesday to hang out and play a cameo as Evil Ivan the Drunken Proletariat before returning home. Most people didn’t show up every week, but every week people showed up. One problem was that if I had to cancel for some reason, there were too many people to contact. In that case I would put a note on the door or something.

Story/Theme

Once a jovial bunch of movie enthusiasts were congregated, the hardest part had been accomplished and the rest was easy. At this point we generally faced two scenarios:

1) We either had a story already prepared from all our gabbing at work, or 2) We didn’t have a story yet.

In either case, we began drinking from a half-case of beer and running over ideas until we were fairly certain that anyone who was going to show had shown. The ideas were either very general (“Elves.”) or very specific scenes (“A guy gets upset that his shoe comes untied.”) that were not necessarily exclusive, and often if we liked someone’s very specific scene, we would devise a story just to accommodate that scene.

Sometimes we would decide on a genre such as detective, sci-fi, or horror, but seldom did the pictures follow their intended conventions for more than a few scenes. For example, The Extractor—about an agency that sends a robot-monster to steal people’s wisdom teeth—started with overtones of Terminator and Dune but gradually drew more from He-Man cartoons and Fitzcarraldo as the picture progressed.

As often as not, the stories were determined by props. Cape Hades was the result of a devil mask. Fun Times with Robby Happysnapper was made after I found a stuffed alligator in the garbage. Dying to Be Born was the result of having a shriveled rubber fetus lying around the apartment. Etc.

People are props too. One night Dylan and I saw a local newscaster in the grocery store. Dylan asked the newscaster, whom we had seen on TV since we were children, to autograph the baguette he had just purchased, and I asked him for his thoughts on North Korea. He signed the baguette and said things were getting pretty bad over there and waved to us when he walked away and said, “All right, take it easy guys.” Our next couple pictures had the newscaster as the hero or the villain. Because he was famous, it was easy to find pictures of him, and we blew up photos of his face and made masks. During this time, a baseball stadium was being constructed across the street from my apartment. We used the construction site to shoot the Tower of Babel story from the bible, but in our picture everyone working on the tower was a newscaster working together to build a mighty transmitter that would broadcast to heaven, until God thwarted the media upstarts by turning some of the newscasters into producers and others into television viewers, which confused everyone and halted the progress of the Tower.

Location is a good jumpstart for story. One Mayday some of us went to a faux-Bavarian tourist town where even the gas station had a shoddy German facade. Since Mayday is an important socialist holiday, we made a picture about Kim Il Sung, the great North Korean dictator, coming to Germany to check up on the workers. Over the course of the day we became hated by tourists who were hated by waitresses who brought us free beer because we jeered at our fellow tourists. We made friends with the kids who were working in their parents’ shops and invited them to play bit parts. For one particular scene we needed a flower, so I tried to purchase one flower from a flower shop, but the nice couple at the flower shop gave me a whole bouquet when the woman asked what the flower was for and I told her I needed it for a movie. By the time I rejoined the group, Nathan had recruited a few dozen cheerleaders who were in town for a pep jamboree, and they played the role of the applauding proletariat as I smashed the flowers with a hammer in the town square. One can hardly make heads or tails of the movie that we made in one afternoon, but neither does that concern us.

Scenes

Once we had the story or a theme or something to get us started, the rest was cake. All we had to do was work out the particular scenes themselves. For example, The Temple of the Unholy Nest is about a cabal of dark sorcerers who pride themselves on the sinister acts they perpetrate on the unwary from their omnipotent computer bank (played by a wall). This might not sound like a good story. It isn’t. But their first act of evil treachery is making a guy’s shoe come untied, so it served our purposes well enough.

Before we shot a scene we determined what basic requirements the scene needed in order to move the story along, stated them as simply as possible, then turned on the camera and improvised. The camera would be cut when the basic requirements had been met, or when the scene ran too long, or was far too terrible for the camera hand to suffer through any longer. A basic requirement in a scene might be that Honolulu Harry must convince an innocent lackey to join him at the luau so the lackey can get murdered, or it might be simply that the insurance salesman must convince Angry Bunny to let him in the house.

We did not have time to get fancy, so by instinct we culled from our collective saturation by Hollywood and put its cheap hack devices back in their proper low-budget place.

We always shot the scenes in order from beginning to end. We never procrastinated a difficulty by saying we would edit it later, because we knew we would never get around to it. So we either excised the difficulty and thought of something simpler, or we took the time to shoot it immediately. For example, there were times when we wanted to shoot a scene on the street, go back up to the 4th floor apartment to shoot a scene, go back down to the street, back up to the apartment, etc. It was amazing how quickly we came up with a new technique to progress the story when we became sick of walking up and down the stairs.

Sometimes we backed up and reshot a scene if it wasn’t too much trouble.

Ending

Once we began ripping through scenes, the worst was behind us. No matter what happened, the picture had to be finished by the end of the evening. This formality was the most useful one we devised. We tried several times to shoot the first half of a picture one week, and finish it the next week, but what happened was this: no one showed up the next week. Why? Starting a picture is fun and full of possibilities, finishing a picture is like sweeping up a garage. The first week we didn’t know what was going to happen, but by the second week the outcome was more or less inevitable, the potential had been depleted, and we were then grinding away once again at The Product. People seemed to be more enthusiastic about playing than working. The swift process of applying ideas to immediate action was desirable (as indicated by attendance), and the rote cleaning up of previous ideas was undesirable (as indicated by attendance.) We liked to go from idea to end in one evening and have fun doing it, without worrying about making it better with editing or extending the shooting time. Because we knew we would get tired of shooting, and that the picture had to be finished that night, there was an urgency during times we didn’t know what to do with a plot or character. So we ripped off stagnant Hollywood devices to get back up to speed. If one of our directors needed to be somewhere, we killed off his character. If we got tired and everyone was fed up with making movies, we just threw an ending on it. If we had four minutes of tape left, we did what we needed to do to conclude the story in four minutes. We often found that catastrophic violence was an appropriate ending for this quality of movie, or some vague evil uncertainty that would allow a sequel at a later date.

Collaboration

We generally collaborated as a group of dictators, with each participant a director. Indecision was settled by the persistence of one director’s will. We certainly did not take consensus votes on each and every decision that was brought up. We mashed together flavors of ego, so to speak, rather than diluting the flavors by coaxing unanimity. If someone had an idea, they said so, and unless someone else protested that’s what we did. In general, the results of dynamic conflict seemed to fare better than those of chronic compromise. At some point we all agreed that if we needed a quick resolution, the person who was presently running the camera had the final say. That worked well, but was only necessary a few times.

Most of our arguments lasted less time than it took to read this paragraph. The clock was ticking. We had to finish the picture before we got tired of making it which was usually between 3-5 hours. At the rate we made these shitty pictures, there was plenty of room for everyone at some point to dictate their pet scenes with their own flourishes and inside jokes. We have all managed to get irrationally persistent at different times about different things and it has been rare that any of us has felt strongly enough about something at the same time to argue for too long about it. Though arguing is fun, we were more interested in plowing through a movie.

Here are some of the things we were not interested in doing: We did not worry whether inside jokes or local references would make our movies watchable by some remote audience. We did not write down lines or plot out anything on paper. We did not spend a lot of money. We did not promise to mail a copy to every cameo player. We did not suggest our methods would remain the same tomorrow. We did not confuse our passionately made bad movies with precious gems.

Our movies are terrible. There are dozens of shots of mistiming, camera-learning errors, questionable sound, scenes that don’t make any sense, and scenes that one of us demanded vehemently due to some fleeting personal mirth. Our rapid production does not fare well for producing a controlled end product. But there are brief moments of brilliance, and we like to watch the movies because we liked making them. Whatever their crippling flaws, making movies this way does foster rapid-fire experimentation, flexibility, improvisation, and a tendency to strive for simplicity and clarity. These are not the right traits for every situation, but they are traits nonetheless, and they can be useful if one decides to later put some time in on a movie.

Nicholas Johnson is currently in New Zealand working on a book concerning his years in Antarctica. He is also a contributor to Novel Amusements and has recently changed his name (no connection).