craschworks

Despite my best efforts, my New Year's Resolutions never seem to last very long. With that insight, I present my resolutions for 2003:

1. I will gain 35 lbs. To achieve this, I will eat no less than 3 bags of Doritos/week, ride in the electric wheelchair at Food Lion, and eat at least two Twinkie-shakes/day. I will sew my own Mu-Mu. Verboten foods: cottage cheese, carrots, broccoli, spinach, skim milk, cabbage.

2. I will avoid talking to attractive women. I will never leave my room, except for groceries, work, and walking the dog. I will not bathe. If an attractive women talks to me, I will fake a nervous tic and ad lib about how “I've got the best bed at the homeless shelter” until she goes away.

3. For at least 3 nights/week, I will stay up til 3:00 a.m. playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and downloading dwarf porn.

4. Any extra money I receive, I will spend on Star Wars commemorative dinner plates, gumball machines, and long distance calls to Philipino phone sex operators. I will buy at least 5 lottery tickets per week. All my lottery winnings will be donated to the Democratic party, PETA, or Handgun Control, Inc.

5. I will stalk Steve Buscemi.

6. I will send no birthday cards, Christmas cards, or gifts of any kind. If anyone calls, I will pretend to be my own Puerto Rican houseboy. I will respond to all queries with: “Senor Rasch, heez very hung over.” If it's my Mom, I will berate her for trying to “tear us apart”, then start crying.

7. I will write fan letters to Hilary Rosen, Fritz Hollings, Leon Kass, Jeremy Rifkin, Jesse Jackson, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein, John Ashcroft, and the Association of Trial Lawyers of America. Keep up the good work, guys!

8. I will forward Nigerian investment opportunities to all of my friends. After I've made money fast and enlarged my penis, I will service lonely housewives. I will buy an X10 camera.

9. I will talk on the cellphone whenever I go driving. I will cut into lines at movies. I will surreptitiously feed bananas and cabbage to my roommate's Labrador. I will call my roommate's current girlfriend by his ex-girlfriend's name. I will ask every woman I meet: “Have you gained weight?”

10. At work, I will establish a low baseline of achievement. I will always include a few typos in all writeten wocorrespondence. I will develop a surly attitude. At the slightest hint of criticism, I will mention my extensive collection of German firearms. If I cannot command respect, fear is a good substitute.